Rhodes and Perdew Goes to an Auction
NOTE: This was written by TRhodes for eSFL Insider, all persons are fictional, really, they are.
So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Peyton Manning had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of big Ben, that I dislike more than Peyton.
The phone rings. It's my friend Josh. pissed! Josh is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Peyton. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Alf of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Josh mentions that it would be nice if Peyton caught a case of a broken neck at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Rhodes Runners to take the Global Division like Jahvid Best on opium.
Josh points out that the chances that Manning will come down with a broken neck in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual,Josh is a crazy genius.
Here is what we came up with:
4. Manning receives a vicious over the top from Big Pappi in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park before he throws out the first pitch.
(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Jerry Lawler and Bill Dundee won the tag team championship in 1980? I don't even care if it was fake, that was awesome. That rivals when Jerry McGuire catching the big pass for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)
3.Peyton Manning is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either 80 year old Bruce Sutter or Joel Viall.
2. Manning hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Eli and Kerry Collins in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.
1. Peyton meets the old man from Pawn Stars, falls in love with the pawn business, and fakes a neck injury. He leaves the team to begin filming Pawn Stars with Peyton.'
After we finish with the conversation about Peyton we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming 2011 football draft on YAHOO!, our second favorite fantasy league that Josh and I will be joining this year.
Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy team. That's like getting picked up by a Bengals cheerleader and going back to her place, only to find out that Evander Holyfield is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?
However, this league only had one slot open, so Josh and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Maria's famous sliders' and Lumpia King's as potential team names, we settle on 'Middle Finger U.'
The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that shit but not everyone knows how to do an auction.
Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the guy with last years fantasy magazine does not have to go into denial, and that's your date. Finding the old magazine guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Kiss perform songs by Willie Nelson while the dog is humping their legs? Though that would be cool.)
Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in something like the Thirsty Camel Pub. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be raising hell and eating hot wings, ultimately resulting in an extreme gut ache and foul odor emitting from their asses after four hours.
No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Madden 12 PS3 game, but owner B has a case of Natty Lite in an old 70's soda machine. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'did you realy say that.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be at a kickball tourney, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities. He lets her play because he knows only girls play kickball.
I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, the famous Bruce Fields doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the come on in of fantasy sports.
It's also like a 10k marathon. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'YAHOO! league Auction Strategy Guide':
Round One-get the guard up
Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Washington Redskins? Do they have a tendency toward kickers? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like baseball cards in your attic.
Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Reggie Bush (or according to Josh, anyone who missed a game in the past 3 years), or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Ryan Mathews.
Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.
Round Two-Have a Sense of digging for gold
In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big eSFL weekly coaching decision-you'll have your Bruisermakers-Vigilante in eSFL week 1 moment, and you need to decide what to do.
Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid number 1 draft choice for Rex Grossman, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Buddy Ryan in '85? Or are you Ron Kav, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.
Round Three-Moving Day
Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of the Masters. You need to shoot a 68. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less spunky, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Madonna in a holy rollers service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Ed Reed, you'll be okay.
Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit
By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become extreme. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of eSFL Weekly Pick'em, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the master of All that is football and that is that.
In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'get the hell over here' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like firecrackers, screaming incomprehensible things like 3 day old babies and threatening to throw their remote if they do not get their way.
Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.
'you can do it'
NOTE: This was written by TRhodes for eSFL Insider, all persons are fictional, really, they are.
So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Peyton Manning had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of big Ben, that I dislike more than Peyton.
The phone rings. It's my friend Josh. pissed! Josh is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Peyton. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Alf of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Josh mentions that it would be nice if Peyton caught a case of a broken neck at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Rhodes Runners to take the Global Division like Jahvid Best on opium.
Josh points out that the chances that Manning will come down with a broken neck in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual,Josh is a crazy genius.
Here is what we came up with:
4. Manning receives a vicious over the top from Big Pappi in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park before he throws out the first pitch.
(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Jerry Lawler and Bill Dundee won the tag team championship in 1980? I don't even care if it was fake, that was awesome. That rivals when Jerry McGuire catching the big pass for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)
3.Peyton Manning is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either 80 year old Bruce Sutter or Joel Viall.
2. Manning hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Eli and Kerry Collins in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.
1. Peyton meets the old man from Pawn Stars, falls in love with the pawn business, and fakes a neck injury. He leaves the team to begin filming Pawn Stars with Peyton.'
After we finish with the conversation about Peyton we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming 2011 football draft on YAHOO!, our second favorite fantasy league that Josh and I will be joining this year.
Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy team. That's like getting picked up by a Bengals cheerleader and going back to her place, only to find out that Evander Holyfield is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?
However, this league only had one slot open, so Josh and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Maria's famous sliders' and Lumpia King's as potential team names, we settle on 'Middle Finger U.'
The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that shit but not everyone knows how to do an auction.
Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the guy with last years fantasy magazine does not have to go into denial, and that's your date. Finding the old magazine guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Kiss perform songs by Willie Nelson while the dog is humping their legs? Though that would be cool.)
Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in something like the Thirsty Camel Pub. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be raising hell and eating hot wings, ultimately resulting in an extreme gut ache and foul odor emitting from their asses after four hours.
No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Madden 12 PS3 game, but owner B has a case of Natty Lite in an old 70's soda machine. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'did you realy say that.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be at a kickball tourney, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities. He lets her play because he knows only girls play kickball.
I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, the famous Bruce Fields doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the come on in of fantasy sports.
It's also like a 10k marathon. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'YAHOO! league Auction Strategy Guide':
Round One-get the guard up
Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Washington Redskins? Do they have a tendency toward kickers? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like baseball cards in your attic.
Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Reggie Bush (or according to Josh, anyone who missed a game in the past 3 years), or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Ryan Mathews.
Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.
Round Two-Have a Sense of digging for gold
In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big eSFL weekly coaching decision-you'll have your Bruisermakers-Vigilante in eSFL week 1 moment, and you need to decide what to do.
Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid number 1 draft choice for Rex Grossman, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Buddy Ryan in '85? Or are you Ron Kav, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.
Round Three-Moving Day
Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of the Masters. You need to shoot a 68. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less spunky, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Madonna in a holy rollers service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Ed Reed, you'll be okay.
Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit
By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become extreme. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of eSFL Weekly Pick'em, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the master of All that is football and that is that.
In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'get the hell over here' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like firecrackers, screaming incomprehensible things like 3 day old babies and threatening to throw their remote if they do not get their way.
Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.
'you can do it'
What the hell?!?!
ReplyDeleteWonderful piece. This is top quality journalism that I just cannot believe was written by the Insider.
ReplyDelete