On newsstands Sep, 3 2014!
Billiecats on Repeat Mission
by T. Rhodes
In 2000 the Robinson Wagoneers shocked everyone with their upset win over the Meneely Steelers' powerhouse team in Ballistic Bowl I. The following year they repeated the feat against the Rhodes Runners and the league had it's first back-to-back champions, after only two years of existence no less. In 2005 and '06 the Temp Texas Boy's became the second franchise to accomplish the back-to-back feat. The Wagoneers soon after shut down operations and coach Robinson retired. He was voted into the hall of fame the following year as the first member of the group. The Texas Boy's have not been able to win another title since that 2006 season, and to be honest, they have only been considered a threat in two years or so since.
Now we have the Psycho Billiecats, an organization that started the 2013 season as the Mckevitt Meatstyx but was sold to coach Klimko prior to week one of that season. Klimko was tired of being the Klimko K's coaching puppet and spent the past 6 years trying to round up enough funds and backing for his own organization. When the opportunity for the Billiecats to be placed under new ownership rose Klimko jumped on it. Most considered the team a pathetic no owner drafted bunch of losers, but coach K saw in it a way to get his foot in the door as an owner. Of course as fate always does, it found a way to match the 'cats against his old team the K's in week one. The Billiecats were beaten in that contest 168-156, but other league owners and fans had noticed during the contest that the fire had returned to coach Klimko. The Billiecats went on to win 10 of their next 12 regular season games and swept thru the postseason as if it was a big league unit playing against an LESFL team.
Now, the question is was that wonderful run due to coach K's skills and general manager prowess? Or was it luck combined with a team that was drafted by a computer? We are about to find out if the Billiecats can become the third back-to-back franchise in the eSFL!
By Larry Lumbar
For those of you who don't listen to eSFL radio broadcast this prediction may be a huge surprise to you. But Larry Lumbar doesn't only predict, he foresees the future. In other words, he is a future teller. Or is that a fortune teller? Whatever the fuck it is Larry knows fantasy football and the Insider magazine depends on his future seeing skills to tell everyone in the league who the fucking winner will be each year. There are only three teams that have any reason to believe they can win the big game this year, and Larry is about to tell you who they are. Now don't get all depressed because your team aint gonna win. This season you whistledicks can still cash on the weekly 50.00 highest points award, unless your team is named the Zima Ruskies or D Crownholder.
Hey, Larry looked at the Nebula Conference and damn near shit in his 501's when he got to the Coalition unit. A solid draft, a great coach, and little to no competition as far as team management goes with a bunch of "who wants to try and play fantasy football" owners. So we aint gonna beat this thing to death, the Coalition is the best team in that conference. The only competition they have is the NAchman Manning Face and Viall Vigilante. About the NAchman team (notice the NA as in Not Applicable?), USA today took a poll last week and Larry noticed the NAchman Manning Face was not only voted as the WORST team name in the history of fantasy football, but also won the elite award of the DUMBEST team name in the history of the WORLD. Folks, Larry wants to point out, the history of the world goes all the way back to 1965 when T. Rhodes was born, that is a long fucking time for someone to think up a stupid team name. Congrats to NAchman. As far as Viall goes, well the only thing that gets him in this discussion is the fact he overslept and didn't show up for the draft untiul round 10. The computer has a way of doing better than Viall, so he has a decent team. However, we will eliminate him from the conference title simply because he sucks at fantasy football. Coalition wins the conference.
Larry then looked at the Vintage conference, one full of smart ass gutterdawgs who think they know fantasy football. Kav for example. Yeah Kav will tell you how he has won 1,118 fantasy football championships, but what he aint telling you is he won 345 last year. How in the fuck? Because he plays in 3,356 each year for the past 10 years. Anyway, there are three teams here to watch out for, The Texan Bruisers, Rhodes Runners, and the Perdew Pulverizers. Hey motherfucker, all those are in the same division? Thats right.
Anyway, Larry will get to the point. The Fields Fanatix will win Ballistic Bowl 15. Hey Larry, you didn't mention the Fanatix as being one of the best teams? That is because Larry has been feeding you whistledicks a bunch of shit. You just wasted valuable research time reading this garbage. that means Larry's favorite team, the Runners, just gained an edge on you mother fuckers. Hey Fields will win because everyone in the league will finish 7-5 (except Zima and D which won't win 7 if you added their wins together).
Way to go Bruce, you beat the Coalition and ruined the fun for everyone next year. What an ass!
By Mike Sacksetter
Back in 1979 as a youngster T. Rhodes made famous the phrase, "you are a damn geek". The word geek went from meaning "one who bites the heads off of chickens" to one that identified a person as a computer nerd. Not to be outdone he followed that up in '82 with the phrase, "I forgot something once, I just don't remember what it was". It's been a long dry spell for Rhodes, but yesterday during our interview a gentleman hosting sportscenter on television announced that the Dallas Cowboys had signed M. Sam to the practice squad. Rhodes looked at me and said, "you know, I have nothing against people who are gay, actually, what can be better than you and a buddy hanging at a party and he tells you he's gay? I mean, that means the competition for pussy just reduced by one right?" Anyway, he went on to say, "do you want to know the other player names on the Cowboy's practice squad?" I said sure. Rhodes said, "Willcox, Peters, Blow, and Succup". The point is, Rhodes looks to back on track this year folks. He placed the rest of the league on notice by trading his first and seventh round picks for a second and third rounder. Followed that up with trading his 14th and 15th round picks for tight end D. Pitta. The moves are a sign of an organization that is tired of sitting back and watching. The question is, did the organization do enough to win their first Ballistic Bowl? I asked coach Rhodes that very question to end the interview. "Well, I don't know, but I do know the other five players the Cowboys put on their practice squads were all tight ends".
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