Week 1 Recaps-2014

Week 1 Recaps 2014

Week one 2014 in the eSFL was a barnburner! There was three games decided by less than 5 points, one other a ten pointer, and two teams scored more than 200. The Standout Coalition won the first ever weekly high points award with 234.06 and look like the team to beat this year.

187.14	TOTAL	186.96
146.14	OFF	148.46
41	DEF	38.5

Kav`s Kavanators SCORES
Romo,Tony	p2,
Maclin,Jeremy	c68,
Johnson,Calvin	c67,c16,
Ertz,Zach	c25,
Spiller,C.J.	c7,
Hauschka,Steven	35,20,
D Crownholder SCORES
Cutler,Jay	p12,p11,
Jennings,Rashad	r1,
Patterson,Cordarrelle	r67,
Marshall,Brandon	c11,
Davis,Vernon	c29,c2,
Walsh,Blair	52,46,

Coach Kav wheeled and dealed his way to victory as Calvin Johnson proved his 1st round selection in the draft was worthy. The Crownholder somehow made this a contest but didn't have enough to hold on.

180.66	TOTAL	176.68
151.66	OFF	150.68
29	DEF	26

Zima Ruskies SCORES
Rodgers,Aaron	p3,
Johnson,Chris	c5,
Sproles,Darren	r49,
Gostkowski,Stephen	47,45,
Fields Fanatix SCORES
Foles,Nick	p25,p68,
Lynch,Marshawn	r9,r3,
Cobb,Randall	c3,
Gronkowski,Rob	c6,

Coach Zima watched Reggie Bush seal the deal on Monday night but leave the contest with question marks at the running back position but coach Zima stated after the win, "best damn team in the history of the eSFL".

156.82	TOTAL	166.84
87.82	OFF	142.84
69	DEF	24

Temp`s Texas Boys SCORES
Brees,Drew	p3,
Crosby,Mason	23,
Smith,Harrison	i81,
Perdew Pulverizers SCORES
Stafford,Matthew	p67,p16,r5,
Green,A.J.	c77,
Tucker,Justin	38,

A low scoring contest as far as week one standards are gauged, but the Perdew team gets the victory despite the JJ Watt blocked kick and fire of coach Templin. Coach Templin was mentally drained after the contest and criticized other owners on their quick triggers in free agency acquisitions, "Jesus Christ all you fuckers just monitor the waiver wire...probably my last year".
Coach Perdew announced his team was on the verge of moving some of their dead meat via the trade, details to come. 

216.3	TOTAL	188.72
198.8	OFF	157.72
17.5	DEF	31

Rhodes Runners SCORES
Luck,Andrew	r9,p41,p9,
Ball,Montee	r3,
Bell,LeVeon	r38,
White,Roddy	c2,
Thomas,Julius	c3,c35,c5,
Brown,John	c13,
Bryant,Matt	40,51,52,
Texan Bruisers SCORES
Ryan,Matt	p2,p1,p54,
Vereen,Shane	r2,
Olsen,Greg	c5,
Bailey,Dan	29,

Coach Rhodes won his 100th eSFL game despite only 17.5 points from his defense. These teams combined for 404 points but the contest was sealed when Victor Cruz for the Texans decided to eat salsa rather than drink powerade before the game, a decision he would regret. 216 was the second highest points of the week. "This was a huge division game, a huge win", coach Rhodes stated as he was brushing his teeth at 0130 am.
Coach Rhodes quickly made massive defensive moves and overhauled his defense. "We are a weekly defensive unit, if we start someone you like next week he likely will be a free agent. It's our philosophy and we will cut anyone at any moment".

176.16	TOTAL	146.34
141.16	OFF	127.34
35	DEF	19

Frost`s Furrious Flurries SCORES
Manning,Peyton	p3,p35,p5,
Murray,DeMarco	r2,
Brown,Antonio	c35,
Rudolph,Kyle	c7,
Novak,Nick	36,
Viall Vigilante SCORES
Romo,Tony	p2,
Ball,Montee	r3,
Olsen,Greg	c5,
Hauschka,Steven	35,20,

The Flurries selected Peyton Manning first overall, now you know why. Manning lit up the scoreboard early in his Sunday night game and proved that the NFL was a fixed league in the second half. Coach Viall loses again, something that most fans have come to expect.

181.56	TOTAL	182.62
155.06	OFF	120.62
26.5	DEF	62

Psycho Billiecats SCORES
Cutler,Jay	p12,p11,
Moreno,Knowshon	r4,
Sproles,Darren	r49,
Tucker,Justin	38,
Houston Rams SCORES
Brees,Drew	p3,
Maclin,Jeremy	c68,
Brown,Antonio	c35,
Vinatieri,Adam	25,

Coach Klimko has written a 64 page manifesto on why the eSFL is out to prevent any team from winning back-to-back championships. In the document his main selling point is the fact that his team lost by less than a point because the league allowed 10 points for blocked kicks for this week only. What he failed to mention in the document is that his coaching staff failed to scout for a player that might block one. The 'cats lost this on on the defensive side of the ball.

Segment from the manifesto.....
........lots of people on thin ice around here,with several already being handed their walking papers. the mood is somber around the facility. While many agree the new xtra point scoring is hogwash, and the commissioners decision to uphold that bogus tweak to the esfl, Coach K has shouldered this loss on his own. He stated that Peterson not returning punts and his game time decision to bench Wake in favor of Lauranaitis is what did them in. He is happy with the general direction of the team, made a few roster moves and even put a few on notice. Scoring single digits will not be tolerated on this championship squad on a quest to repeat.

178.64	TOTAL	100.46
134.64	OFF	86.46
44	DEF	14

Money Team SCORES
Stafford,Matthew	p67,p16,r5,
Wright,Kendall	c6,
Davis,Vernon	c29,c2,
Crosby,Mason	23,
Wallie`s Texas Stars SCORES
Rodgers,Aaron	p3,
Marshall,Brandon	c11,
Bailey,Dan	29,

What a pathetic display of fantasy football by the Wallies Texas Stars. In a day and age of high powered output the league never imagined a team was capable of barely breaking the century mark.

180.22	TOTAL	234.06
174.22	OFF	180.06
6	DEF	54

Igama Sweaty Palms SCORES
Ryan,Matt	p2,p1,p54,
Murray,DeMarco	r2,
Johnson,Calvin	c67,c16,
Gronkowski,Rob	c6,
Standout Coalition SCORES
Brady,Tom	p6,
Johnson,Chris	c5,
White,Roddy	c2,
Green,A.J.	c77,
Thomas,Julius	c3,c35,c5,
Cobb,Randall	c3,
Freese,Nate	28,27,
Smith,Harrison	i81,

If anyone had doubts about the Coalitions ability to beat the shit out of you, erase them. With coach Ron Pardue at the helm the "unit" won the first ever 50.00 weekly high point award. In the process the team made everyone wonder how high is the limit for this squad. "All owners are put on notice", coach Pardue was quoted as saying as he rolled off the couch Sunday evening. Tough luck for the Palms, get used to it fellas.

 

151.1	TOTAL	190.56
120.1	OFF	159.56
31	DEF	31

Nachman MF SCORES
Luck,Andrew	r9,p41,p9,
Gostkowski,Stephen	47,45,
Dlugiewicz Fight`n Pollacks SCORES
Manning,Peyton	p3,p35,p5,
Spiller,C.J.	c7,
Lynch,Marshawn	r9,r3,
Rudolph,Kyle	c7,
Patterson,Cordarrelle	r67,
Novak,Nick	36,

The Fightin Pollacks had their eyes set on a 200 week as there was never any fear of a loss against the outcoached, out general managered, out everything Manning Face team. It was coach Nachman's first game on the sideline in the eSFL and proved what everyone on eSFL Radio has been stating, THIS TEAM SUCKS. Hang in there coach, it feels great when you get a win.

  

2014-Week 1 Vintage Conference Insider

Week 1 Vintage Conference Insider

By J. Perdew

Brought to you by.........

Not many people want to hear about coaches gloating about their teams before the season even starts....

With that being said, the eSFL has a few personalities that tend to do this each and every season.  The league is celebrating the 15th anniversary this season, and a few changes have been made.  Commissioner Rhodes has implemented a $50 award each week, to the highest scoring team in the league.  A Flex spot has been added, which will likely decimate the league record for highest score in a regular season.  One of the most talked about changes would be the new division/conference layout, with basically teams only having to fight with 2 other teams in the regular season to make the playoffs.  This should make the final weeks of play VERY interesting.  Lastly, a few less than stellar coaches have been removed, and the league looks geared up for an exciting season, with plenty of good active owners.  With that being said, lets take a look at the week one matchups in the Vintage Conference....

 

Temp's Texas Boys vs Perdew Pulverizers

Temp was blessed with the gift of a first round running back from his RFA last season, and allowed himself to draft around him.  He did pretty good, grabbing a solid WR in Demaryious Thomas and following up with stud QB Drew Brees.  The Pulverizers look like the retirement home of the eSFL with aged veterans like Arian Foster and Larry Fitzgerald.  The Pulverizers defense looks overmatched in this game, with some tough big men like JJ Swats and Robert Quinn.   The Pulverizers will put up a big score, but it wont be enough.  

Temp 185 Perdew 179

 

Kav's Kavanators vs D Crownholders

"The Mouth" of the eSFL radio will host the D Crownholders in a game that we probably shouldnt even talk about.  Everyone in this league knows that the Crownholders are a joke.  Kav traded away a few early round picks in the draft to the Runners, to secure a deadly combo in Adrian Peterson and Megatron.  The best thing D Crown can hope for, is that Megatron and AP both break their legs in the first 3 minutes of the game, or they dont have a chance.  I can't find one player outside of Stud WR Brandon Marshall on the Crownholders roster to even talk about.  This is bad boys...    

Kav 184 DCrown 126

 

Zima Ruskies vs Fields Fanatix

Interesting first week matchup here, with Zima self proclaiming to have the team to beat, and half of his team is on the trade block.  Not sure how that works out, but rumor has it, the Fanatix coach might miss some of the game this week, on a late return from his honeymoon.   The word on this street, is that Fields will have jetlag and oversleep on Sunday.  This would be the only chance the Ruskies have to win this one.  Shady McCoy all day long boys and girls...  

Fields 197 Zima 154

 

Rhodes Runners vs Texan Bruisers

I am not sure how someone could fuck up a dream situation in the draft, where you have four picks in the top 25 draft picks, but somehow, Rhodes managed to do just that...   The Bruisers, who seemed to forgot to draft a solid WR this season, will somehow manage to knock off one of the legends this week.  Jamaal Charles will show coach Rhodes why you don't wait too late to draft the running backs...  

Bruisers-175  Rhodes 153

 

Frost Furrious Flurries vs Vial Vigilante 

(Non Conference Matchup this week)

All the hype, all the bullshit talk about who the Flurries are taking first overall...   Word on the 

street prior to the draft was that the Flurries were riding the eagle (Shady McCoy) but then all hell broke loose.   Out comes "The General" guns blazing!   And commissioner Rhodes stood at the podium and announced for the world to see and hear..... "With the first pick in the 2014 eSFL draft, the Flurries select.... Payton Manning, QB, Denver Broncos!"  And with that sentence, shit got real!   Congrats to Frost on taking the best player in the draft, by far, but will it be the right decision come December?  

Only time will tell boys...   I will say this, he is hurting a bit at RB with that selection, no doubt 

about it...   On the other side of the ball, is the Vial Vigilante.   We seem to think Vial has been "stepping on his own pecker" for quite some time now, but let me be the first to say... "WATCH OUT"  Vial has a team this year boys.  He should be able to do some damage in the Nebula where team ownership is out of the loop when it comes to running an organization like an eSFL team.  This will be the game of the week and I see a barn burner here...   

Vial 192 Frost 189

About the author..

J. Perdew was fired as eSFL Correspondent because his takes were way off and of little value to readers. 

The Art of Winning: Coach K's rise to fame

The Art of Winning: Coach K's rise to fame
By P. Klimko

As it were, destiny kicked the door in on Coach Klimko in 2013. With his aged organization, came the headache of diluting game plans and playing base defenses to suit his geriatric bunch. He had long grown tired of having to cater to lazy, uncommitted ingrates. The once enjoyable position of bestowing useful knowledge, and innovating new, exciting offensive looks faded long into the night. It was now a burden, a dreaded task. No coach/G.M. has ever won by being disappointed with his bunch's work ethic, or their lack of enthusiasm and willingness to morph in the new, faster, sleeker eSFL. I tell you what that coach has done....they walked. Staring the possibility of never again owning or coaching a team, coach Klimko bailed on his gang of misfits. Soon after the split, coach K was seen on a lunch date with eSFL legend Tim Meneely. After that lunch, on the way to his $350,000 Ferrari, a brazen reporter approached the former coach. "What just happened back there coach?"  According to several un-named eye witnesses, without hesitation, "Coach K reared backed and clocked that mutherfucker!" Meneely reminisced that "when I saw that pencildick get dropped, I knew I had gotten through to him....the fire was back."  After several months of going back and forth with that reporter, the coach was able to settle out of court and make the lawsuit disappear. Coach K was now frequently seen out with Meneely, and the two became a close unit, a deadly combination of unbelievable football minds. This romance was soon interrupted as hall of famer Meneely was incarcerated for his 18th D.W.I. and the relationship dissolved as fast as it had blossomed. "Those were great days" said Coach K in our interview. "With all his guidance and advice, its funny that what he kept preaching to me, what became my creedo, ending up biting him in the ass...again". When asked about this "creedo", coach had this to say: "That son of a bitch pulled me out of a dark place....he changed my life completely with just a few words."
" He said to succeed in life that "You need to quit steppin' on your pecker." "When I heard that, it was like a light turned on and I knew I had to get back in the game." It wasn't long after Meneelys mis-step that coach K seized the moment and pooled funds with Meneely's reps and purchased an upstart team with vey little promise. This team as we all know, was the Psycho Billiecats. In an unprecedented run, the Billiecats stormed through the league, leaving only chunks of stool like G.M. Ron Kavanaugh in his wake. When we approached coach K for this interview following his championship run, his lip began to quiver. His fists clenched, he paused, then stated "I will do it for Timmy."  His recipe for success, his "art of winning" formula was all to clear for coach K. I will leave you with this, the champion coach shared that the art of winning for him, was simple, it was clearcut. It wasn't about playing teams with subpar coaches, such as the Kavanators...it was about a creed. It was about a battle cry. That cry, that inspirational fire was finally shared with me that afternoon. "It's simple" said the coach, "you gotta stop steppin' on your pecker". "I knew when I heard that, what it meant, and it lit a tremendous fire."  Maybe one day we too, can figure out what that means...and when we do, maybe we too can transform into one of the greatest coaches the league will ever see. But then again...I doubt it.

About the author
P. Klimko is a highly respected father, husband, veteran, and well renowned intramural basketball/fantasy football coach.  

eSFL Insider-Week 1-Nebula

ESFL INSIDER WEEK 1
By J. Igama


This is the 15th season in the ESFL and no one’s as excited as the players and coaches.  We’ve waited seven long months to prepare to dethrone the 2013 ESFL champions, Psycho Billiecats, and it looks like we have a couple of early season favorites waiting to take a shot at the King of the Hill. Without further ado, let’s take a look at this week’s matchups.

  

Sweaty Palms 150 – Standout Coalition 180

Sweaty Palm’s hard hitting wide receiver core is no match for the Coalition’s three headed monster, Shady McCoy, A.J. Green, and Julius Thomas.  An early season Ballistic Bowl favorite, the Standout Coalition looks to clean up this division with ease and gets the early W.  A recent interview with Coach Igama reveals his strategy coming into the season.  “You know, a lot of critics out there think that my team is a bunch of inexperienced rookies, we’ve been here before.  We’ll see whose still in the hunt by week 6.”

  

Money Team 130 – Wallie’s Texas Stars 145

This game will come down to the wire, but, with the Money Team facing a very tough defensive squad, the Stars will end up with the win in the end. When asked about the Money Team’s first round pick in Adrian Peterson instead of Lesean McCoy, the coach responded with “Wait what?  This is a PPR league? SHIT!”

  

  

Nachman MF 100 – Dlugiewicz Fight N’ Pollacks 105

Arguably the two worst teams in the conference, expect this game to be comparable to watching Coach Kav giving out draft grades on youtube.

  

Psycho Billiecat 120 – Houston Rams 150

This week’s featured game is the defending ESFL champs vs the Houston Rams.  With Coach Klimko’s pot smoking, domestic abusing squad, it’s hard to imagine that they will make a second appearance in the Ballistic Bowl.  Led by Drew Breazy and Arian Foster, the Houston Rams will have the cops called on them for beating Billiecats like Ray Rice beats his fiancé.  When asked about Coach Klimko’s Josh Gordon pick in the 9th Round, he responded with “Last time I remember, this is America.  We love giving second, third, fourth chances to anyone willing to work hard.”  His draft picks surely reflects that statement well.            

Complete edition-Insider-The Magazine-V15, E1

On newsstands Sep, 3 2014!

Billiecats on Repeat Mission
by T. Rhodes

In 2000 the Robinson Wagoneers shocked everyone with their upset win over the Meneely Steelers' powerhouse team in Ballistic Bowl I. The following year they repeated the feat against the Rhodes Runners and the league had it's first back-to-back champions, after only two years of existence no less. In 2005 and '06 the Temp Texas Boy's became the second franchise to accomplish the back-to-back feat. The Wagoneers soon after shut down operations and coach Robinson retired. He was voted into the hall of fame the following year as the first member of the group. The Texas Boy's have not been able to win another title since that 2006 season, and to be honest, they have only been considered a threat in two years or so since.
Now we have the Psycho Billiecats, an organization that started the 2013 season as the Mckevitt Meatstyx but was sold to coach Klimko prior to week one of that season. Klimko was tired of being the Klimko K's coaching puppet and spent the past 6 years trying to round up enough funds and backing for his own organization. When the opportunity for the Billiecats to be placed under new ownership rose Klimko jumped on it. Most considered the team a pathetic no owner drafted bunch of losers, but coach K saw in it a way to get his foot in the door as an owner. Of course as fate always does, it found a way to match the 'cats against his old team the K's in week one. The Billiecats were beaten in that contest 168-156, but other league owners and fans had noticed during the contest that the fire had returned to coach Klimko. The Billiecats went on to win 10 of their next 12 regular season games and swept thru the postseason as if it was a big league unit playing against an LESFL team.
Now, the question is was that wonderful run due to coach K's skills and general manager prowess? Or was it luck combined with a team that was drafted by a computer? We are about to find out if the Billiecats can become the third back-to-back franchise in the eSFL!

Ballistic Bowl 15 Predictions
By Larry Lumbar

For those of you who don't listen to eSFL radio broadcast this prediction may be a huge surprise to you. But Larry Lumbar doesn't only predict, he foresees the future. In other words, he is a future teller. Or is that a fortune teller? Whatever the fuck it is Larry knows fantasy football and the Insider magazine depends on his future seeing skills to tell everyone in the league who the fucking winner will be each year. There are only three teams that have any reason to believe they can win the big game this year, and Larry is about to tell you who they are. Now don't get all depressed because your team aint gonna win. This season you whistledicks can still cash on the weekly 50.00 highest points award, unless your team is named the Zima Ruskies or D Crownholder.
Hey, Larry looked at the Nebula Conference and damn near shit in his 501's when he got to the Coalition unit. A solid draft, a great coach, and little to no competition as far as team management goes with a bunch of "who wants to try and play fantasy football" owners.  So we aint gonna beat this thing to death, the Coalition is the best team in that conference. The only competition they have is the NAchman Manning Face and Viall Vigilante. About the NAchman team (notice the NA as in Not Applicable?), USA today took a poll last week and Larry noticed the NAchman Manning Face was not only voted as the WORST team name in the history of fantasy football, but also won the elite award of the DUMBEST team name in the history of the WORLD. Folks, Larry wants to point out, the history of the world goes all the way back to 1965 when T. Rhodes was born, that is a long fucking time for someone to think up a stupid team name. Congrats to NAchman.  As far as Viall goes, well the only thing that gets him in this discussion is the fact he overslept and didn't show up for the draft untiul round 10. The computer has a way of doing better than Viall, so he has a decent team. However, we will eliminate him from the conference title simply because he sucks at fantasy football. Coalition wins the conference.
Larry then looked at the Vintage conference, one full of smart ass gutterdawgs who think they know fantasy football. Kav for example. Yeah Kav will tell you how he has won 1,118 fantasy football championships, but what he aint telling you is he won 345 last year.  How in the fuck? Because he plays in 3,356 each year for the past 10 years. Anyway, there are three teams here to watch out for, The Texan Bruisers, Rhodes Runners, and the Perdew Pulverizers. Hey motherfucker, all those are in the same division? Thats right.
Anyway, Larry will get to the point. The Fields Fanatix will win Ballistic Bowl 15. Hey Larry, you didn't mention the Fanatix as being one of the best teams? That is because Larry has been feeding you whistledicks a bunch of shit. You just wasted valuable research time reading this garbage. that means Larry's favorite team, the Runners, just gained an edge on you mother fuckers. Hey Fields will win because everyone in the league will finish 7-5 (except Zima and D which won't win 7 if you added their wins together).
Way to go Bruce, you beat the Coalition and ruined the fun for everyone next year. What an ass!